sometimes when i rant, i realizes that i tend to beautify myself in the story, trying to hide away from all my inner feelings and craft myself as the absolutely correct person in the scenarios. I know that is bullshit cuz you can’t be absolutely correct in every case. anyways, i am just gonna be very honest here.

So obviously i am still hang-up on this ex friend, im gonna call her fucker. They said the reason i am still upset was because i did not get any closure. I think the reason i am upset is cuz i can’t forgive her. she never cared for anyone’s feelings, she is brutally blunt = extremely insenstive. That was the reason why she fucked up with so many other people as well. I should have known that she would treat me the same way as the rest once the fight started, but i had always hoped that maybe it would be different because we are best best best friends. But obviously i was wrong and trust me it was devastating to realise. I kinda hate her, and i am trying not do, i am just trying to make peace with myself but i started avoiding her everyday, which made me again super hang-up on her. Then i tried talking myself out but it didnt work as well. i did forgive myself but i didnt forgive her, which is annoying because i dont even think she is as hang up on this as i am, since she fucked up so many rls she might as well gotten used to it. i admit there are times where i just wished the worest for her, i hated to even breath the same air as her cuz she hurt me so. Also there was a sharp pain in my chest the other day, cuz i was so fucking upset and idk who to talk to. in the past, i talked to her but then there is just this hole, this empty void that i realised i had no one to talk to which was annoying. I hope i get use to it. Everyone is telling me that i did the right thing by backing out from her, she was NOT good for my mental health at that period of time. i guess i mentally checked out of the rls weeks before it happened, and i did see her damn upset with someone else about this and i was q happy. but then i heard she fucked up a few more rls after me and i guess she was just pre-occupied with the others. the way she look and the way she act, now that i think back disgusts me. I just really hope i can get over this soon and actually heal and give myself peace.

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