I don’t know what to do man

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I am french so sry for my English

I love him so much, he is so nice and sweet. when i was really into mushroom hunting he read books and did ton of research so I could have a good time looking for mushrooms.
And we were bestfriends for a long time before we got into a relationship, so we are really close

And whenever hes not next to me I have this moment where i think “i wish i could tell ed about this”

And whenever I come home he looks at me like I went missing for ten years and starts jumping up and down and says “LUCKUS IS THAT YOU NO YOUR NOT HOME OH GOD OH GOD YES YES ‘

and hes never gotten mad at me and is so supportive.

but the sex I just don’t get it he turns into a completely different person. I just get scared. I don’t know what to think and who to tell because he is the guy I go to for that. Its horrible if we just stayed friends then this would never be a problem but idk the sex to me has created a distance. like now he wants to attract me he has to start acting like the man. which well than what position does that put in me.

we were playing videogames and he started looking at me in that way. And I tried talking about the game. but its like the whole atmosphere changed, its like hes switched on to another person. A person who now is trying to get laid.

Its just what position does that put me in. I’m the fucking girl in the relationship and I hate it so much and I only become the girl when its sex time. And before we were equals you know who understand each other. who were on the same plane.

So he starts kissing me and I move my head so my cheek is facing him. to indicate hey maybe not. but to him its just apart of the sex. Like because I’m in the girl role and so I’ll be hesitant and pure and he has to dominate me.

So he just pushes me on the floor. and I try to fight back and tell him to ‘wait’ but he just smiles and kinda groans and goes “c’mon I’ve waited 5 days”.

Which again puts me in that position.
And I’m starting to think he likes pushing me down and holding my arms down. wtf do I even do. He completely changes and he just completely manhandles me and I hate it so much. And so after a bit of that he takes his dick out and pulls my pants down.

And its so painful every time. And this time especially I have a nervous reaction. Sometimes I can take it. Like when his uni class runs late or he was studying and he comes home late and I’m in bed. he just starts doing it, its quick and not as bad.

but this time probably because last time hurt so much I started telling him to “let me go” and to wait and stop. And its so embarrassing but I was saying “please don’t ‘.

But no he still inserted it. I was groaning and crying out in pain. And he just kept going really hard and painfully. and i used to try really hard to be quiet but then he would slap my ass until i made some noise. So now I don’t try to be quiet because thats way worse.
And the stuff he says make me feel sick, like “your so tight”

Why the hell would anyone say that, and what am is supposed to say “thanks so much!” no its just humiliating to me. I remember the first time he said something like that, I put a pillow over my face. and he laughed and tried to take it off. But I kept it on and then he said “i’ll flip you on your front if I can’t see your face”

I tell him to stop slapping me all the fucking time. and if I say stop it during sex he would just keep fucking and slapping me harder until I stopped talking. and if it was after he would tell a joke or roll his eyes and basically patronise me as a naïve kid.

hes only a year older than me. Its just so emasculating and embarrassing. And as always I told him not to come in me. and this time I couldn’t bear the pain and I was basically begging him not to come in me. and he still did. because ‘it would be easier to clean the sheets”. really I don’t know who I’m looking at

I can’t leave because he’s my bestfriend and hes such a big part of my life and for so long. its a great relationship completely great except the sex part. and he doesn’t act like he violently degrades me, after it. so I can just deal with the sex and pretend it doesn’t happen the rest of the time.

and anyway its not like he wants me to like it, I really think he wants me to hate it because what sort guy would like that.

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