Longing to stop existing


I feel like I need to vocalize this because its been in my head for years. First off, I’m not depressed, my life really isn’t that bad. Sure there could be improvements and I have been making them, however my current or past (or even future) quality of life is not the reason I feel the way I feel. I’m just tired of existing. mind you, I don’t want to die. I’m not looking to end my life, in fact I do everything in my power to avoid fatal risks. I just don’t want to be anything. Is that weird? Are there other people who feel this way? Like I think it would be the perfect thing to just close my eyes one day and there there is just nothing. No sound, no thoughts, feelings, memories, just the void. Sometimes I sit at my desk with my headphones on with no sound and I close my eyes and I try to experience not existing. I know that’s kind of a contradiction, right? To feel nothing. I don’t believe in heaven or hell or anything of that sort, but I do believe in beauty of nothing. Maybe that IS both heaven and hell. Like what if the void is hell to some and paradise to others? If that is life’s conclusion I’d take comfort in knowing that the calm is there waiting for me.

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