I wish I could end it here and now.My heart keep sinking again and again. It hurts, it’s heavy on me. Tears keeps floating over from my eye corners and my jaws are tight. I’m feeling uncomfortable. It’s 3:59 and I can’t sleep. I keep turning, thinking…I keep hearing tinnitus-like sounds. They are usually there when I’m stressed. I keep thinking about her. Am I too much? I want to tell her everything. But I know she’s busy. I want to die. I want it to end quicker. What’s the point? Maybe I can take an overdosis. Or combine sleeping pills with hanging. That’s going to be too stinking for whoever finds my body. Maybe I can buy a gun, go to a river and shot myself. I like to think that I’m in control of something: my own death. Why do i want to die? I’m feeling completely alone. I have one or two friends, but I can’t keep bothering them. I’m jealous of my friends. They seems so busy with life. Busy with their careers, busy with partnerships, busy with living their lives. What about me? I have no one to live for. No chance of finding someone, because of my personality. I’m too serious, too boring, people yawn when I talk with them, I’m boring.I get tired very quickly. When I smile I have deep edges under my eyes. I look tired. I’m boring, I can’t tell a joke or a funny story. I can only complain, talk about depression, about sad things, traumatic things, war and politics, about worse places on earth and about conflicts and simple solutions. I can only talk about theories and philosophies, but not on a deep level. I can only talk about general stuff, stuff that no one cares about, boring stuff. I can’t listen very well. I can listen, but not respond very well. My emotions are very doll. My face expressions are doll. I’m boring and doll to talk with. It hurts. My heart is hurting thinking about it. If i’m lucky I can cry myself to sleep. Deja vu. I can’t send this to anyone. Please let me get rid of this. Let me send it to someone. Anyone! It hurts so much. I’m so alone and so lost in this world.
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