OK. I think I’ve finally reached my limit. For real this time.
I need a break.
But I also need to make a break.
I’ve come such a long way from where I was. I know I am an awesome individual with so much to give.
But I feel like such a smacked ass for giving so much of that to you. Even when I know in the deepest depths of my heart that there’s nothing substantial that will come out of it for me.
Last night I felt weak and embarrassed. And unless it’s the paranoia that’s addled me from my adolescent trauma, I’ve a feeling you reveled in it a bit.
I never know if you want me to work alongside you or keep myself several paces behind, as to not potentially surpass you.
The deeper I get, the more it fucks with my mind. And it gets harder to pull myself out.
But I’m also more aware. I *know* what I have to do. The hard part is actually doing it.
Right now I should be over the moon about an exciting family event that’s about to take place – but no, I’m in the process of quietly assessing my feelings of embarrassment and disgust. You’re now in part responsible for robbing me of fully experiencing this moment and the elation and anticipation that comes with it.
I can’t keep myself in this cycle. I’ve lost one of my favorite hobbies in return for money and prestige. And I’ll mourn that.
But now I take action. I hunker down and focus on the work I know I’m good at, for which I am appreciated.
I’ll focus on the people in my life who are legitimately there for me. Who don’t try to hold me back from soaring. Who love me for me.
I’ll focus on those who appreciate the value I bring. They may have their own way of showing it sometimes, but I can feel the intent.
I’ll focus on just being myself. I don’t want to curb who I am – but maybe I need to relent in some instances. Eventually, if the packages I leave at the doorstep begin to mount, I can only assume nobody is home to collect them – or not willing to come to do the door at all.
I was awesome before you. I’ll be awesome after you. No more will I allow you to screw with my mind. I’m better and stronger than this.