Realization

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I honestly was kind of in a rush and immediately searched for a website to write down my thoughts anonymously, no specific reason, just felt like it HAS yo be written or told. Also if you see any grammar mistakes or any other kind just ignore them please, it’s not my language. So there are many things I realized recently, they’re just running in my head I don’t where to start but here we go. I realized I was the fat sibling. I know I could’ve seen that because I can have eyes and all, but when you ACTUALLY a realized it hits different. I am the oldest sibling, and I was known for being tall. Everyone would be like wow how nice you’re tall and skinny(skinny as in a good way they’d say it), and thankfully I was never skinny to the point where I was told to eat more. My body’s shape was NEVER my concern, I was never self conscious about it because I saw that it was perfect, well I wouldn’t lie I barely even noticed the shape of it. Since my siblings were born that haven’t been obese at any point of their life. I wasn’t either, I always ate until I was no longer hungry, and NOT when I felt full, if you know what I mean. However at lockdown, everything just went down hill. I had nothing to do and would eat out of boredom, walk from time to time. Because it happened soooo slowly I never noticed it. Until lockdown was close to an end and I tried on some clothes, they didn’t fit any more. I was devastated and became extremely self conscious in a second. I understood that I gained weight, and it’s normal. I hadn’t reached the level of realization that I wasn’t in the “skinny beautiful body shape” anymore. And you know what, sometimes the comments that people make that they don’t mean to be cruel with just dig wayyy deeper than the ones intentionally mean. But both hurt so badly. The intentional one would ONLY come from my younger brother. “Didn’t you just eat?” “I bet you eat 10 eggs a day huh?” “ You know you became fat, right? You look like *someone’s name* from the back” “ Hey fatty” “You’ve eaten enough, fat girl”, I know they aren’t as mean as they appear, but at that moment and with a specific voice tone, it is VERY mean. I’d be in my best mood laughing and taling and he just says it and I go completely quiet. Other one that are unintentional come from family members,(have no friends so eh, just family). “Your cheeks have become so nice to pinch, oh they’re so soft. Did you get fat or something? Please stay like this and don’t loose’em” “Wow I haven’t seen you in awhile, uou look so different but I can’t figure what is it that is different. Ohhhhh you’ve become fat, fat haven’t you?” “Oh haha those buttons look like they’re about to burst. It so weird, those clothes used to fit you” . Again, they are not mean they just hurt. I wish I could remember more but that’s all that my brain could remember. And that’s all, I still feel horrible, but now just a tidbit less horrible. Thank you.

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