Some Thoughts On Why People My Age Shame Vanilla Sex

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There is this culture around being sexually hyper kinky with people my age. Vanilla sex or the romantic emotional soul colliding sex of movies we grew up with is considered basic, in poor taste, not adventurous enough, not experienced enough. My female riends take pride in having the more niche sex interest, the wilder night, the stranger turn on. And I think this is another way they have attempted to gain power in their sexuality and in their orgasm. It’s like they also have realized that the overly emotional and deeply connective sex doesn’t feel within reach of present hookup culture, so instead there is power in demanding a different narrative from their lover, a kinkier narrative. In asking to be degraded or spanked or chocked or fucked in the truest sense of the word, they emphasize that it is a choice to surrender their body, instead of having it taken from them. He only gets to treat them like that because they allow him to, not because he is entitled to it, not because it gets him off, but because they ask him to. It is their own way of prioritizing their pleasure. But I worry it consequently supports the abusive porn ideals. Because while it reminds her that she has power, it still teaches him he physically has more. Especially when the phrase daddy is thrown around. There is this additional narrative of the kinky girl power feminist who hates men and has…daddy issues. One more fucking nail in her coffin. When we fail to recognize her proclamation of power as just that, and instead attribute it to one more abuse of man, we again rob her of her sexual identity, agency, and choice.

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