The stigma of mental illness and surviving with it.

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I feel myself becoming more lost in life and want an end. Having four major mental disorders surely does not help, but you endure the anxiety, mania, flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, mood swings, lucid dreams, paranoia, obsessive thoughts and so on.

It’s not easy and the regular people in society have no bloody clue of true pain. I do not wish many of them to either. How I do things some days is anybody’s guess. You do your best and attempt to get to the next day.

Christ is it hard some days and it’s always a million times worse than regular people that can function without sudden flashbacks, insane hypomania or bipolar depression which is a billion times worse than regular depression.

If they only knew they, would shut up and stop mocking. It’s funny yet also sad how such individuals are still lost, but I guess until you have or go through it why would you understand? You do not and never will. You should be happy about that as you’re a as lost as most people in congress.

Regardless, it all takes it’s toll. When I was a teen, I just thought I had bad nerves. As I got older, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. After that a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It all fit.

It’s not surprising but the latter popped up by uncomfortable events that happened in my life. Usually, this is how you find out you have any disorder in how you react to people and situations.

Clearly, I did not react well but let’s be honest it was always there lying dormant like Lyme disease. It is horrible either way. I would not wish such things on anyone as the two crippling disorders are often playing with one another like a game of chess. I often joke or comment that I do not know what side is winning. Often you do, but others you do not.

Decades later, I was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD. One surprised me but I always joked I had OCD tendencies but many of us show the signs. The sign that proved I had it horrified me, but it’s much more complex a disorder than one would assume.

Having been on dozens upon dozens of meds over the years which often make you worse and create more issues that you never had before, I tried something new. When meds do not work on you anymore, you often are referred to TMS or ECT.

I chose ECT because TMS is mainly only helpful in depression. I have so much more than depression, so ECT seemed like the best fit. I did four sessions and in turn it brought back memories I somehow forgot about. Horrible, messed up memories and guilts. It also fractured my tooth. I quit before more havoc could occur. At least I gave it a shot. Many assume it is like the movies which is asinine but sadly also predictable.

I figure had they not treated me as a child and that I was not as smart as they were (so naive many are), and fractured my tooth I would have continued. Their office was a disaster in communication that they would blame you when they did not give you proper information. They were often beyond incompetent.

Having talked to former patients band employees I later found out such things as that are commonplace. Disturbing when it’s the second best hospital for mental health in the country but also not surprising. I know hospitals well.

Thankfully, I only did outpatient. I gather every ten minutes if that there would be another person from the waiting room thrown in for a session. Hundreds of people a day were waiting for their session. It’s quick thankfully, and during you’re out cold.

I have realized that even if you have sought out every form of therapy to better yourself, you are likely still screwed. I have done all that I was told and fought back of all the typical lies bad liars that many doctors are have tried to force on me. This isn’t defensiveness because of any disorder.

The latter is fact and anyone that knows doctors, likely knows of the intense narcissism and sociopathy that permeates in such places. Heaven forbid you cannot admit when you are wrong. Of course, when people constantly kiss your behind and praise you for the profession as a whole, it’s going to eventually go to one’s head.

I am not dumb but I listen and always know when these everyone lies. It’s a gift but often feels like a curse. I sadly have many of those. I am a mess and feel like damaged goods. Of course, knowing me it’s my typical self-loathing. A defense mechanism. We all have them.

There are millions of us and many hiding in plain sight. I do not look like a sick person and I blend in like the next person. Inside, I am normally falling apart merely trying to keep it together. It’s what we do.

Nobody would choose to be this way and I constantly give advice to people that show the symptoms and ask about things. I find it is good to talk to people that have such disorders and know what actually happens over others that assume they know everything. However, regardless of who you are I will talk to you. Deemed a freak by many from the past, I can still get along with almost everyone. I’m talkative, humorous and non-judgmental unless triggered. The latter takes a lot thankfully as I am used to negativity.

At least there are doctors with these issues but finding a good one is hard enough. Thank god for some of these people. Women normally are what I prefer as they are easier to talk to. All my friends are women as it is but I just have always gotten along better with women. They listen and seemingly care outside of the usual narcissists or would be sociopaths.

I figure if one does their best, is honest about things and is self aware, you can survive the darkness. It’s also essential to have a dark sense of humor. It lightens the load when you fall apart or screw up another attempt. It’s our only way out, so do not judge that you know our pain. Unless there, you are as blind as the next person.

I’m 45 and somehow still here. I do not take drugs or even drink. It’s tempting to do the latter but it makes me worse, so I don’t bother. You can endure intense amounts of pain, misery, anxiety and depression daily without such things, but I do not judge the true addicts.

Self-medicating because they have no access to meds or they do not work on them either. I get that too even though drugs do nothing for me. We all dabble when younger, then usually move on. Others, however, are not so lucky. I truly feel for most of them.

I often tell people hobbies and humor are key. Sure, most days you are so alone even if with people. You feel alone and want to die but If you have a good sense of humor you can survive.

Also, you need to have hobbies. Without them, you dwell too much and lose your way. The latter has kept me alive for decades and
I never thought I would seen 18 let alone 21. I did and am still here.

The only problem is I feel I’m am merely existing and not living, but it’s not for lack of trying. It could always be worse. I say this often to many people. It does not always help obviously but putting mere things into perspective goes a long way. You endure.

Do your thing and screw the rest I often also say. It’s all about survival. Try and be smart about things and keep busy in any way that you can. Sometimes, it’s all you can do.

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