thoughts I get

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I feel really weak
Quite fragile actually
I feel if I let myself get comfy with someone and they leave or betray me
I feel like ill break and I’ll never be able to fix myself and I worked really hard to even look myself in the eye and say that I deserve to be happy
so, it’s easier you know … push them away …tell them I don’t mind them leaving so they won’t want to stay
Tell them I’m strong …pretend I’m the strongest person out there ….
I get jealous of people that hate how they look on the outside
you know at the least how you look on the outside can change
how can you change how you look on the inside? …what you were born with .. how can you change waking up and wishing your ugly self didn’t exist …how better and cleaner the world would be without you?
you know without your jealous, hateful and hypocritical ass
how better it would be
when I was younger when I thought of killing myself, I realized something very early on
I realized I didn’t believe that what was waiting for me after death was any better that what was waiting for me in life
so, I got scared and decided to live this life even if I thought a million people deserved it more than me
I want all the attention in the world but none of it
if I don’t get all the attention, I will lose my mind
if I get any of it I’ll hate myself because I don’t deserve any of it
I get mad at my brother for seeking help with his feelings
hate him even more for actually getting any and then telling me that I should ask for help as well
what? you want me to go to someone and tell them how broken I am when all I did all my life was tell myself I’m the same as everyone …tell myself I’m not broken
you want me to sit with them and tell them how our parents were and then they would tell how much our parents fucked us up …so I would spend my entire life like you blaming each and everything on our parent when they’re as broken as us
how they had to fend for their self all alone …. do you want me to hate them?
don’t worry I think I might already hate them but I won’t tell them that because I’m scared they might die on me and my hatred would be the last they saw from me
and that would haunt me
I’m so mad at my brother for getting better when I didn’t but I won’t show it of course so that I don’t hurt him …ill supportive, understanding and patient when on the inside I’m jealous so jealous …that our parents started to give importance to his feelings
but tell me not to be like him …to be smarter than him and more reliable than him
I’m ugly …I’m really ugly and there nothing in the world to fix that
does getting old and tired excuse your past?
does it excuse a little girl waiting to hear her dad’s snore so she’d get up just to sit and cry?
does it excuse a girl refusing to go home after school and waiting by the door hearing if her parent are fighting?
does it excuse me growing up scared of my dad footsteps and his eyes?
do you know something I had so much to say and plenty of it to show how bad I am but I only chose to write the ones that showed me as a victim …even in an anonymous post I still want to be pitted …how lovely of me.

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