What is wrong with me


I’m sick, I know that. I know I am and I’m okay with that. I know it’s not a great way to think about it that way but at this point I generally don’t care. I’ve been sick for a while now and it’s not getting better. What has been getting better is my wonderful facade. That shits working perfectly. I generally don’t know what is real and fake anymore. I don’t really feel ‘emotions’. I don’t know what they are and I don’t know how they work. I think i’m happy? Am I? I couldn’t tell you. Mostly it’s my brain telling me.

It’s like it’s in control of every action I make, which in reality it is obviously but not in the normal way. When something is ‘funny’, I don’t feel it. That’s when the brain takes control. It’s like yo people are laughing, that’s what funny is laugh. So I do yk. Is it amusing? It must be that. Put on the act in which you win. When something is sad I’m not. It’s not anything really. My brain then speaks up and is like yo, that’s what people call sad, be sad. So I listen. I listen to the little voices telling me how to feel. I listen to them tell me how to act and how to speak. I listen to them tell me how to survive. How to be human

This is gonna sound so basic and I bet fake but it feels like there’s nothing there. It’s just a constant tv static is the best way I can put it. It’s just numb and nothing there. Its vacant of what should be. I’m good at acting the way people want. I’m really good at it, I look like I’m an actual human. That’s good. Fake it till you make you. And when people aren’t broken to the world and can function without problem, they like that. It’s easy now, it’s gotten better. I’m broken. I know that and I’m okay with that.

Sometimes I have good days, it holds up strong and I can pass as acceptable. I take in others actions and I study. It sounds creepy saying it out loud but I need some kind of information. I need to know how they survive. I need to know how to function. I study and take it into myself. I can take that info and use it for myself. I think I’m alive. I think so. Everything in my heart is just so dull and empty. It is amazing.

And sometimes I fail. Sometimes I falter and people see. It’s excruciating and I hate it. People don’t like it when you’re sick. They treat you as if you are already dead. Am I dead? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know anything at this point. Is everything I feel fake? Am I faking it? You must be. No i’m not I swear

I think I have hobbies. I think what I do is that enjoyable feeling. Once again there isn’t a feeling. Its static and not responsive. There’s absolutely nothing there. It’s just ‘dark’. People like painting so I must. I’m kinda good at it so it must be used to my advantage. Blend in. Blend in and nothing will slip. Oh, people who cook are generally cooler. If I’m cooler will it help me with fitting the part? I must try it. I look like I’m enjoying it, and I might. I think I would if I could, but now it’s nothing. I don’t know. There is nothing.

I’ve been told to myself that I’m broken, and i’m okay with that. It’s fine. My best friend knows i’m broken. He’s broken too, but he knows I’m worse. He knows I don’t feel anything and I think that makes me sad. If you supposedly hurt someone are you supposed to be sad? I am? I don’t know. What is beig sad? I DONT know. Is it a feeling somewhere deep inside? Is it one of despair or longing? I don’t know. You must seem sad, and keep what you are doing they will know. They will know you’re broken. And frankly I’m okay with that. I’m not okay with people finding out that though. That’s something I don’t want. Keep playing the part and no one will be angry

I think I’m angry. I don’t know. When your mother is a narcissus and is terrible and manipulative and lying, are you supposed to be angry? You are. I am? You are supposed to be furious. What is being furious? Then how do I do that. But how? There’s nothing there. I just don’t care. I’m apathetic in a sense and that’s fine. I show no real care in what others do.

I think it’s sad to say I don’t care about anything. I know what I should be feeling is a type of love. Is it love? I don’t know what that feels like? I don’t know how to express that. Take in what others call love and understand that. How? I don’t know. How do you feel about your best friend and his mother?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing

What are you supposed to be feeling. I don’t know. What is that feeling supposed to be? Love, I think? Admiration, caring, appreciation? Do you know what that feels like? No

What do you normally feel like? Nothing. I feel nothing and everything. I feel so numb to the world it’s exhausting. I feel pain yes, but I welcome it. How much pain can you feel? Not a lot. Its becoming numb to pain, but if it helps me feel something I will take it. What about your skin? How do you feel about that? I hate it. I want to crawl out of it and beat it out till it fits correctly. Constantly I want to rip it apart. Constantly I do. It’s a constant struggle to try and hide that one for sure. I want to be a man. I don’t want what I have, I want what other men have. I want it more than life itself. I want to take my skin and sell it. I want a new one that feels something

I think I like things. I know I’m supposed to do so what’s wrong with the way I do it? I don’t necessarily like anything. Yes I find I guess amusement in things like music and Tv, but doesn’t everyone. If you show how much you ‘like or love’ something they won’t look twice at that faking. If you show how much you like something it will show you hold what they call feelings. Those are what keep you ‘alive’ in this world. No feelings means no nothing

Feelings must be nice. I don’t think I was blessed with that as a child. I don’t remember most of my childhood but that’s okay. My friend tells me everything. Are you truly his friend? I think so. Isn’t that what people call them? Yes it is but are you? No, I’m not. I’m not really anything. I tried to explain how i feel to my ‘friends’ mother and how I don’t feel anything for her, but like I know I should so I must, and I dont think ive ever seen someone as sad as she was in that moment

I think I broke her heart. I don’t know what that is either. What is a broken heart? I don’t know. Does it consist of angry feelings, or sad ones. Are you crying or laughing or dying. What is a broken heart. Is it pleasant? It doesn’t sound too pleasant so it must not be. What did you tell bee about not feeling for him? He didn’t seem too happy either. He looked at what they called sad. I think I would be their friend for real if I could. They are a lovely person. They are mean and awful and loving and kind. What about how they feel about you? I don’t know what they feel about me? They say they love me but do they really? I don’t think so.

What is love? I don’t know. I’m broken and i’m okay with that. Is love nice? It must be. It looks wonderful in so many ways. It looks like the best thing in the world. Do I want that so desperately, yes. Could I obtain it? No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t give them what they wanted. I don’t feel attraction either. I don’t feel the desire to have sex or anything like that. That seems like to much and not for me. Do I want to be in a relationship? I think so. Having someone to love seems wonderful. But I don’t feel that. Thats fine im aro and ace i know that. I don’t feel anything beyond that.

I think I love this show, I don’t know what love is but if i could put it to this it would be this show. I once saw other people watching it and it seemed like something that would make me feel. It did not. It didn’t do anything. Do I enjoy it? Yeah, I think it’s nice. But do I have a shred of interest in it for really feeling like that, No. It’s an empty feeling and nothing more. Its a distraction from what happens in my head. I am self destructive and will take any distraction i can find. If this one makes it seem I feel that so be it. What is that empty feeling? I don’t know. I have watched it so many times I must like it right. The more and more I try harder and harder to obtain that feeling. I want to chase it till I can feel it. Will you ever catch it? I don’t think so. Is it a routine you play? Try harder and harder to be who they want but never reach the end. What is a routine?

I have a routine I must follow. I have one for bed, how I make a certain meal, how I organize my things, and what to do in the morning. Why don’t you just not do it. I can’t. I couldn’t. It makes me want to kill myself. It makes me want to cut off my skin if I don’t. I have to. I don’t care if I do it or not but my body does. I hate it when I don’t but I just don’t care. I have no feeling for feeding it what it wants. What is feeding?

Feeding is something I don’t do. I can’t. Food makes me sick to the stomach, I don’t know why but I just can’t. It makes me feel like a monster. It makes me feel like i’m trying so desperately to fit into the role of a human. Humans need to eat, they like to eat. So why dont you? I don’t know. So I don’t. I avoid it because thats whats best for me. Don’t show what eats you up inside and it will be okay. I just can’t. I can’t play this part I need to. It’s exhausting to try but I must. What would happen if they tore apart my mask? What if they tore apart my most useful one I own. What if they put that mask to sleep? Would I die? Would I become so unrecognizable everyone would see i’m not meant to be? Would I crawl into something deep and never come out? Would I want to sleep forever? What is sleep?

I don’t know. I don’t like doing it at all. I can’t do it to be honest. Why can’t you, many do? I dont know. People sleep so you must sleep. What if I can’t? Then say you did. You say you did and you wish and wish they believe you. Sleeping is something like food. It makes me nauseous and ugly and terrible. What happens when you don’t sleep? I feel better. I feel as i’m winning this game of life. I feel as if im finally able to stop what i’m trying to hide. I can finally just rest without the constant knowledge that i’m losing. When I sleep I get lost. I’m drowning and i’m terrified I think. Terrified is a weird and unpredictable word

‘cause to feel extreme fear.

I don’t feel this. I have no feeling for this. Now that might sound self absorbed and false but it’s true. I’m not scared of most things. If I had to put something to the feelin of ‘scared’, it would be people finding how shattered i am. I’m immune to the dark. I welcome it with open arms. I think thats what this feeling is. Its a deeper hole than what lays in my chest somewhere. It lurks and rarely comes up, but when it does I want to slit open my wrists and end it

Why don’t you end yourself? Why dont I? I dont know. I think its because some people would miss me? I don’t miss people. I dont care and i dont matter to much. But wouldn’t it make some people sad. What is sad again? I don’t know? Would it make people angry? Would they feel as I feel? Would they feel nothing? I would feel nothing. I think I would cry though. What is crying? Is it what i can do when i believe its the right time? Can i do that? What happens if I don’t cry? Would they resent me? Would they chase me away as I chase this feeling? So I must. You must. I must cry because that is the right thing to do? What is the wrong thing to do? Be you. You mustn’t do that or else you won’t be you. You will become as fake as the ring on your finger. You are as fake as the people are to the world. Am I a monster? Yes you are. Why am I a monster? Because you aren’t human. You are no longer human. What’s no longer human?

Its a book and its what I am. I describe what I feel to the point it might scare me if I could be scared. It shows how this man also lives the life I live and I feel a little less like a monster knowing other people are just as broken as me. Are you broken? I am broken, and I’m okay with that.

Why do you wrap yourself up? Are you copying something? Are you so desperate for that human feeling you must take something as depressing as that to your own? No. No? No. I do it because it works. I feel put together. I always wondered why he covered himself in bandages and never took them off? Why did he do that? Was he wrapped as he was falling apart? Because I am. He does it to hide his scars, I do it because I feel as if i’m being ripped apart piece by piece, part my part by someone else’s hands. I feel as if I’m dying and I can’t do anything but try to piece myself back together.

Does it work? It does. It’s nice. What would others think of you? They would call me fake. I am fake so it’s okay, but they will call me nothing but names and nothing but a copycat. Such a childish word but it can cause everything to go. It would be held against me and I can;t

I can’t what? I dont care if they call me fake, I don’t care if they call me a copycat because i don’t care. Thats when the hole is evident. I don’t care for feelings or people or things or even myself. It’s hard to care when you feel nothing. I wear one of many masks and i’m okay in keeping it that way.

Are you ever going to show someone this? I dont know? I might but I dont thinks so. Are you will to show someone how you fail in your life and how you are trying so hard you feel alive? Are you ready for that critzem and the doctors and the knives and the hurting? Are you ready for that?


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